new york tomorrow

Unless it starts hailing and supposedly freezing raining all night going on to tomorrow noon. My bus time is 1:40. Helping an acquaintance tomorrow at the salon. She's going to cut my hair.. scared kind of but I've been needing a trim for months now. I babysat three ...really obnoxious kids today. I really hope I find an office job soon..I have to pack now before I pass out. LET ME GO TOMORROW.

i think..

I'm going to new york tomorrow. I should arrive by 5 30 ish. Hopefully everything pans out and I don't end up being stranded or lost somewhere. It's a bus stop I've never been to before. I also had my babysitting interview this morning..which I was late to.. I woke up late thinking the interview was at 9:30 and not 9:15.. so I had waiting for a bit. But she seemed to like me enough.? She wants me to come to her house today at 5 to meet the kids. I have a few things I need to do before I sleep tonight.

bad dreams.

i ended up leaving the library in a haste last night and went out to go eat sushi with my friend Chris. He took me to a really great place in Baltimore. We tried to go to RA but the wait ended up being an hour and a half. It was fun, I guess. I don't know. These kind of one on one outings are always at least a little awkward for me. Especially when it's with a guy acquaintance that I don't know very well. It has a date kind of vibe. Euw..
But nonetheless, the food was so fucking worth it. I was craving sushi for weeks now and this place was worth waiting the whole day for. It was so expensive though. I felt bad since Chris was treating. Which made it feel like a date even more so.. euw..
I hate dates.
Afterward, Chris dropped me off and Sonam and her friend came to pick me up for a "party". It ended up being a small gathering of friends for this kid's birthday. A bunch of potheads smoking god knows how many grams of some really stinky bud. I had two beer and I didn't even feel like drinking. I got home around 1:30 ish? Jenny wasn't sleeping yet, we watched Adventure Time<3  and we fell asleep. She's actually skiing right now, with her friends. Lucky girl.. I STILL haven't gone snowboarding. I don't know how Jenny functions and wakes up at 6 am to go skiing after getting less than three hours of sleep. I can't do it.
So Monday, I drank with my friend. Had honey pig spontaneously. um, Tuesday I didn't do much. Applied to jobs mostly OH! and I had my Aflac interview at 5. It's a commission based salary job. FUCK that... I'm not good at sales.. I'm probably the least convincing person I know. The interview or company outlook meeting went well but it just wasn't what I expected it to be. So, no to Aflac. Jamie ended up taking me to the interview.  Oh yeah, I forgot about the fight I had with my mom last night. My mom's such a fucking psycho. I came into her room asking for a lint remover or asking if she's seen it and she was in the bath tub. She calls me in and without a second to lose, she BLOWS off on me. "BITCH WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO START PAYING THE FUCKING BILLS AROUND HERE?! YOU JUST FUCKING EAT AND SLEEP LIKE YOU DONT HAVE TO PAY FOR ANYTHING..." it goes on for a while.. but that's the general gist of what she was saying. She was also saying I've been sitting on my ass not doing anything. What frustrates me the most is, she's not willing to drive me around and help me look for a job but she just expects me to find one somehow without going around to apply first..
She doesn't make any god damn fucking sense. She was asking me why I don't have a job yet and why I can't get hired anywhere. I told her I've been endlessly applying and she literally replied with "No, you haven't." I was so fucking irritated at this point. I was like "HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW?! YOU NEVER WANT TO HELP ME APPLY ANYWHERE YOU JUST SCREAM AT ME ABOUT HOW I DON'T HAVE A JOB." I fucking lost it. She was driving me fucking insane. She was telling me to get out of the house since I haven't gotten a job yet and how I just sit on my ass all day and how it's my fault for not having a job at this point. HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET AROUND AND KEEP A JOB WITHOUT A CAR?! Crazy bitch.. god damn. I'm out finding rides to go apply to all these places. Asking rides from practically strangers all the fucking time because she's not willing to drive me anywhere and.. sigh, I'm done.
Bottom line: I need a fucking job before my mom has me strangling her.
Wednesday.. Oh yes, I saw Sean for the first time in a really long time. We first got Chipotle <3 and then Sean wasn't needed at work anymore so we were trying to figure out what we wanted to. So we decided to watch a movie. Realized the tickets were much more expensive in Columbia than they were in Downtown Silver Spring, so headed over there. Little did we know, "Thundersnow" was scheduled for later that day. We watched True Grit which was mmmmf<3<3. That's how I would describe it. It was so good. I literally felt refreshed when I walked out of the theater. As me and Sean were coming down the escalator, Thundersnow was coming into our vision. We both looked at each other and said "What. The. Fuck." The roads looked terrible already at this point. It was only about to be 6. We ended up being stuck on the road for five to six hours. We couldn't even reach my house in Columbia, I ended up staying at Sean's house. His power was out. I met his brothers. They were nice. We woke up early the next morning because Sean had work. So he dropped me off around 8 am, I borrowed a whole bunch of books and three movies. Oh, and we had mcdonalds breakfast.. heh.
Thursday..I also saw a face I hadn't seen in a while. A middle school friend named Sonam. We.. Oh yes, we went to get georgetown cupcakes for her and her boyfriend's anniversary Friday. Afterward, we went over her house, she found out she had her power back.. her dog almost bit me but I didn't mind. I love big dogs. Some interesting things happened with her and her parents. She dropped me off then I met up with Pyung, had chipotle again. Went over to his place. Did shot for shot, beat him. Passed out. Hung around his place Friday until late. I was so bored. He had to leave me at his place with strangers while he picked up furniture with Ricky for the living room. I felt so grungy since I hadn't brushed my teeth or took a shower. I met both his room mates. They were chill, funny... interesting I guess. Um. I got home. Fell asleep? Saturday, was yesterday.. yeah. Whew.. that was a lot.
Left out some stuff but. I think I'll be ok. hahah
Earlier I thought this dude I knew from way back in the day was fucking with me. Irked me a bit. I really wish he would say something, I have a few fucking things to say to him myself, shit.
Jack time.

@the library with jenny.

I know I haven't written in so long. I have been slightly busy being social. Surprisingly enough, the more time I spend being surrounded by strangers and people in general, I feel that I'm finding myself again. Remembering that I'm happier alone. Feeling unhappy and wishing I could just go home and sit with my dogs. On Monday, I believe I got a phone call from a close friend that I haven't heard from in a while. I found out he's been having it really terribly. He was in jail for the past four days so he couldn't respond to my texts/phone calls. I ended up drinking with a few friends and him, drinking then randomly going to Honey Pig for some drunken feasting. It was great. I hadn't had meat in a such a long time. Unfortunately,  me and Steve ended up being the only people with cash so.. we were the only ones eating out of the nine of us. The lady serving us wasn't pleased and she actually charged us for each rice bowl that everyone had originally gotten. It was still a good night in my opinion.
Oh, the library seems to be closing in 30 minutes. I'll write later. I have a lot to tell you.

day with dad.

the game is on right now.
ill write later.
....yeah, pointless to write this now but.. eh.
EDITED
i decided i didnt want to continue watching the stupid jets steelers game. just hearing "SANCHEZ...." is irritating me.
so dad and jenny day, we ate at tgi friday's and watched gulliver's travels. the movie was ..wild. the audience was mainly filled with kids below the age of 5. . .the dialogue.......narration or whatever was.. definitely for a much older audience.
example: ".. if you want to get the girls to go skeet skeet skeet..."
yeah, it was still pretty amusing i guess. not a huge fan of jack black..
i hate it when he gives us money right when we reach home. $50 is a lot of money. on top of all the money he spends throughout the day (food was 60 something bucks, movies 30 something..) and he gives me and my sister $50 each. makes me sad.
i finally asked him about where he's been staying and he's living in someone basement. and he said he goes to work all the time and just sleeps so he doesn't mind the small living space. just like how it was before we moved here with mom, i'd only see him for a little bit before he'd fall asleep right he'd get home around 4 or 5 am. then he'd drive jenny to school and go straight to work. three hours of sleep every night. it made me so sad that things are still like that for him. i'm sure it's still really hard trying to make rent and he gives us all this money.
what else..i rescheduled my driving test to february 12th because that's the only time jamie is available to help me. it's a bit far away from now but that just means more practice time naturally. hm, yeah.
more later i guess.

instead of going to the club...

i WOULD fall asleep after eating and wake up at 1 am, hungry.
now to be a fatass and eat ramen and watch the office until i fall into yet another food coma.
yes.
EDITED
i think i'm pretty happy right now. sleep schedule is fucked up again but.. mmm, younha's voice is so pretty. sweet and light. maybe ill drink some coffee.
not having mom at home is nice. without much responsibility.
got to go take the dogs out in a second, have a cigarette.
do the dishes.
(:
younha -기다리다 (Acoustic Ver.)
current favorite by younha

lots of upates.

slept over jamie's with jessica. watched this ..really fucked up anime called Gantz. that shit..
ate buffalo wild wings for the first time, very spicy and resulted in a really painful morning.
went to the mva to get another copy of my permit and take my driving test.
the lady at the desk was a bitch (go figure) and we (me and jamie) were missing his car insurance information and they said that my first driving test that was held in glen burnie is missing from my record so I'm going to have to grab my driver's ed certificate from years ago and have them scan it at my next attempt to take my driving test.
i got home not too long ago. oh! and i also took the personality test again, i am still an INFJ. reading about my personality type always puts me in this really strange mood.
there is a party tonight, hesitant on going because i'm so tired from the lack of sleep last night and hungry. i'm sure i'm going to need to be picked up somewhat soon since the host of the party is coming to scoop me up but.. feeling so lazy.... i still need to shower and get dressed for a special, PLANNED, music video kegger party.
.... =/
i also had my interview at ranstad. it went fine to my knowledge. hopefully they'll find me a job quicker than i'm anticipating them to. what else..
not much other then.. jamie and his girlfriend. theyre.. cute together, i think?
im not a fan of how jamie "gets" when he's playing video games. (easily irritated, snappy, immature)
to go or not to go out. to eat or not to eat before i drink. to over-analyze or not over-analyze my myers briggs results.
i know what i like. i know what i love. i know what i dont like. i know what i hate.
yet i am still incredibly indecisive.

nervous.

Interview tomorrow with Ranstad at 3:30.
2 Forms of ID, proper work attire I'm sure which means piercing has to go.
So nervous.. I never know what to say at these things.

mmm english tea.

my sister is singing and eating her third serving of food since she's got back from school. my mom was late to pick her up. two hours late? after they both got back, mom ran out the door again. she said she had work.
I had a burger, half of this crab cake. now, some english tea. I also had a cookie and some gummy penguins. I was looking into jobs that I could plan on getting after I get my bachelors in fine arts. there weren't many, surprise surprise. I'd be pretty content just working for a small gallery, make minimum wage, I don't really care for too much money after I have enough to buy essentials (car, make rent, food, etc).
What else... I SAW THE KING'S SPEECH. I really enjoyed it. A nice little bedtime story. I think I mentioned already in the last post that I saw the Green Hornet, BLEH, terrible compared to the King's Speech.
What else.. Oh yeah, I don't know if I mentioned this also in the last post but.. I'd really like to take some philosophy courses this coming fall. I'm not sure if I'm going to have room in my schedule since I'm transferring and the foundation courses are different at MICA. I really hope so. :D
Sigh.. what else.. I have my driving test this Saturday. I'm very nervous. I still can't get down parallel parking by myself. I still need someone to tell me when to stop or keep going in. It's terrible considering how many hours I've spent practicing already. I'm probably going to end up going with Jamie and using his car for the test since I've been practicing with it. And I should be getting my THIRD copy of my permit before my test at 11:30. Hopefully, I'll have it in time for my driving test or I'm going to be devastated.  I saw on facebook earlier today that a friend of mine's grandmother passed today. For the past few months I've spoken to her, she's been talking about tending to her grandmother every day and how she hasn't ever been apart from her.
I'll write more later. sister bonding time is in session.

EDITED
euw, people who think theyre better than you.
I'm eating so much. lots of tea, coffee, cookies, korean food, crab cake, candy..
I really want to go to coachella.. I think a friend of mine and I might go on a road trip to go see ACL over in Texas? A road trip sounds like so much fun, I really hope we end up working something out.
I need to find a job first. I applied to many today thanks to Monster.
What else.. I don't know. Right now, all that is on my mind is, bad friends are gross.
My sister woke up from her nap. I had some nyquil earlier. Feeling sleepy and fat.
I really hope things work out with this whole getting-a-car business.
My mom just came home from playing soccer. I think she's going to take medical training classes to become a pharmacist. I'm glad she's doing something.
Jenny is talking about how she kept her spanish work packets and how now, she has many study guides.
I'm so full. I did the dishes... So full. OH YEAH I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.
A museum responded back to me about volunteering. They said they'll need me to work on February 11th.! From 6 pm to 2 am though. =\
And then there is a volunteer meeting on the 26th? Shit, I should check that.

Sigh, so.. the Jets were talking real big throughout this week and they beat us. (Patriots fan) sigh, it was a pretty sad game. our defense was horrible, all these fumbles...goodbye playoffs.
I also watched the Green Hornet just now. Just got home from it. Was forced to pay the extra four dollars for 3D. So unnecessary. David fell asleep and I heard JC laughing throughout the whole movie. It wasn't as funny as I thought it was going to be. The theater was packed and we had the worst seats. JC couldnt even sit in the same row as us. He had to sit behind us.
Yesterday, I worked for jacob's restaurant after he helped me practice some parallel parking. kevin flaked on me today but he said he'd help me out this friday before my test.
I also applied to a bunch of volunteering and intern positions for museums over the summer. Since it's MLK's birthday, I won't be able to mail them out until Tuesday.
I'm at a loss for words lately. I don't really have much to say about anything other then small things I remember throughout the day like.. how Jenny kicked me in the face in her sleep last night and I punched her in the leg because I got so mad. She didn't even feel anything. She kicked me. In. The. Face. So hard that I managed to fall off the bed. I thought my dad broke into the house and was beating me when I woke up on the floor.
I really hope I get hired somewhere soon. Somewhere I can have a steady schedule (unlike Safeway). I need a steady, reliable schedule so that I'll know that I'll have a steady paycheck to pay for my insurance and the car bill every month. I'm really looking into the Volkswagen Sign then Drive deal. I texted dad and he said he would cosign since my mom is reluctant in helping me get a car. Which means, I'm going to have to pay for everything myself including getting a new insurance plan (expensive). Sigh.. it should be interesting.
The transfer adviser at MICA finally emailed me back and said I should be able to set up my classes for the fall semester over this summer. I feel so impatient, I just want to get everything done and over with now so I don't have to worry about any of it anymore and just go to school in the fall. It's going to be really hectic trying to keep a job AND go to school at the same time but, I feel confident now that I have less distractions and less things I want in my life right now or at least for a while. First thing's first, I need to find a job.
I'm going to read until I fall asleep now. I think I'm going to hang out with Jamie tomorrow. (:

where are we going.

i visited ruri today.
i feel more lost now than before i visited her.
she said its not enough to just know what i want to do.
she said i needed plans.
ill draw.

insert something pretty here.

unfufilled.
nothing to say.
i dont want to do anything.
i dont want to do nothing.
i dont know what to do today.

arcade fire - rebellion (lies)

im going to go downstairs and bake a chocolate cake now.
im very bored.
but i dont want to go out either.

OH YEAH. something interesting did happen earlier today. it wasnt interesting as much as it was fucking annoying. an ex boyfriend of an acquaintance? freaking out via text message over how he doesn't want his ex girlfriend to get the wrong idea? "so leave me alone." people are so crazy. leave him alone opposed to what? I barely know the guy nor have any business with him what so ever. im sure hes just bugging out over the percocet hes been popping like skittles over there.
it was just irritating waking up to my phone vibrating to see text messages like that.

god, i need some inspiration.

euw.

I can't seem to make friends without running into trouble.
makes my skin crawl.

plants vs. zombies

i cant seem to stop playing...

whitman and kabobs.

i woke up feeling much better than i have felt for the past four days. i thought i had gotten all better but i got rejoiced too soon. i started choking on phlegm again. today was unexpectedly nice. i started watching the royal tenenbaums (another one of peter's suggestions), had maiwand kabobs, pizza from yesterday, read some whitman here and there. and i still have my first cigarette to look forward to!
splendid, absolutely splendid.
the only thing i couldve gone without today was the drama. of course.
drama. retarded and unnecessarily complicated drama which involved me trying to pry stories about ME from three different people and finding out later that there is no story.
it's hard not to worry about a night you dont remember already, but to have people that never talk to you in the first place, message you asking you if youre all right, rises up concern.
i was sitting there thinking to myself "...i dont know.. am i all right? what am i not remembering from that night..?"
that's.. scary.
and no one would tell me anything.
she just kept asking me questions that would imply something terrible happened to me the night before like "was everything normal the next day?"
....were things not supposed to be normal?
how do you not freak out after being asked that when you, yourself dont even remember exactly what happened that night.
i hope nothing happened.
oh yeah, im not going to drink for a while. but i decided this before i started getting these messages and dealt with all of that nonsense.
my dog, sandy, wont stop ripping up everything. i think she's going to get sent away.
im actually really glad im not drinking for a while. i dont even feel like socializing, let alone be around people.
(:

i contain multitudes.
-whitman

pretty paper and the tranferring process.

I called the MICA undergraduate office. It's a busy time for them right now, I'm sure. It's so hard to get a hold of anyone to answer my questions.
My skin is a mess and my nose is killing me. stinging and stuffed.
I really hope everything with MICA works out. I'm scared they're going to tell me I'm going to need more pieces for my portfolio considering there's only February and a little bit of January left to prepare that.
I hate finding things out at the last minute, I hate rushing.
I wish I had a car so I can go to Pearl, get some supplies, and buckle down on some painting. It's so hard to do I want without any way to do things for myself.
I got my new debit card in the mail today.
I just need to get my license on the 22nd. I still haven't practiced parallel parking.
With what car? ha..
I wonder how dad's doing.
I haven't seen or heard from him in a while.
I'm sure he's working all the time.
I'm not hungry today.
I wish this whole transferring process would be done and over with already so I can put all my focus into finding a job. Save up for a car. Start fucking driving.
This flu seems to be easing its way out of my system finally. I'm still hacking up phlegm though.
I think I'll keep to myself for a while.
I love the weather today.
OH! I watched True Romance, very nice. I loved it. Really enjoyed it. Surprised I haven't seen it already, everyone was in it.
I'll shower, read, paint my nails. Panic a little here and there about school. Look around online for jobs. I wrote everything down on pretty paper, so it will be easier to look at the things I have to do.

my face hurts so much.

my back hurts so much.
applying to jobs like crazy.
EDITED
jenny is very confused. very confused about.. nothing?
im talking to her and she appears to be struggling with how to go about... nothing.
or so it seems to me.
i ask her questions. she answers them.
is that.. not it.?
i guess shes stressed. stressed to figure out how to do... nothing..
she keeps saying she needs help figuring out "things".
i ask her what. and she says "school and stuff".
my mom said shes scared to take the SATs.
not taking them is not the way to go about that at all.

andy warhol exhibit.

i went to the balimore museum of art today with peter.
it was awkward in the diner. and slightly awkward throughout the whole day.
i think it was just all in my head.
i enjoyed myself though. peter seems really nice.
my sister's room smells really bad.
wrinkly dog's ears are bleeding and the mucus giving off a terrible smell.
im hungry.

the flu.

I caught it. And being in bed in pain sucks.
It's friday night and I don't even want to go out.

EDITED
i thought i was feeling better but this headache is back.
my throat hurts so much.
nyquil, fresh prince, soup, sleep.

I'm getting sick, my throat hurts..

eating milk chocolate truffles in bed.
I can't wait for chipotle tomorrow.
i wish my mom would stop yelling at me about how she cant invite her friends over because im such an embarrassment, while im eating.
it seems to conveniently happen whenever i sit down to eat.
on saturday, ill be seeing old friends. eighth grade friends.
i cant remember the last time ive spoken to most of them.
its exciting. im excited.

The new book?

I'm loving the beginning right now.
Fell asleep after a few pages from being exhausted, waking up at 8 am with a hangover.
Awake now, making pasta.
CHIPOTLE TOMORROW!

slowly fading hangover.

still really craving chipotle but the hangover headache is less pulsating. ugh chipotle... chipotle.. CHIPOTLE. i sounnd like an addict.

my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping but i shall go on living.
-neruda

oh my.. my head.. MY HEAD

Hung the fuck over.
Listening to: "we were promised jetpacks - quiet little voices"
Oh my god.. my head. I think it got too wild last night.
I remember why I wear waterproof everything.
I had so much eyeliner running haha I looked like a crackhead.
Lost of running, I think? Running away? For no reason maybe?
The smell of pork makes me nauseous. And it's smothering me right now.
My right arm hurts.
There is a cut on my right hand index finger.
I need to cut my hairs... I mean.. nails.
Only small thoughts for now.
Oh, my poor head.
Verizon is evil. The automated voice machines are evil. So motherfucking evil, I can't stand it.
My mouth tastes like beer. I still smell rum.
Old men in bars officially scare me.
Pigeon John - Weight of the world.
I like this song.
My hands smell like beer.
I would really, really love some chipotle right now.
I'd marry you for chipotle.
I keep remembering my friend shouting at the sky in fury.
And it has me laughing out loud.
Every time I hear his cry of angst, anger, and frustration.
I then picture his backside down the street, shouting at the night sky.
At this point, I am laughing.
Every single time, I laugh.
His misery makes me laugh for some reason.
I'm fucked up again.
HEHE

strange.

I feel a turn of events coming on. Yay.
I feel that I'm in need of some drastic change to adapt to.
Relating with someone about a traumatizing heartbreak at 6 in the morning is probably one of the most depressing ways to start off a day but surprisingly, comforting.
Pathetic, I know.
I WAS going to go upstairs to start on my new book but, who would've thought another heartbroken soul would contact me in their time of need to vent and relate. It was very unexpected.
Break ups left and right. Suddenly, I don't feel so alone.
I told you I'm fucked up.

Not sleepy.

Spent the last hour picking out a layout. Yep. Maybe if this thing looks cute enough, I'll want to come back onto it and write in it.
I'm starting The Rebel by Albert Camus tonight before I pass out.
A little history shouldn't hurt.

the very first blog.?

I never know how to start these things.. nor do I feel like I have much to say right now either. But with the new year starting so differently, I feel blogging about my days could turn into something I start doing naturally.? maybe.

EDITED.
so.. I have just finished "editing" this blog.. not a huge fan of the background but.. I guess it will suffice.

Lately, people have been either telling me to "chill" and "relax" or "get your head on straight" or "find yourself". The "find yourself" has been told to me on numerous occasions, countless times throughout the past five, six years or so. I guess, I need to first grasp what it is or what it means to find ..oneself.. haha I always thought it meant, finding out what you truly love to do verses what you thought you wanted to do. The things you thought made you happy verses the things you learn to accept and settle with. Then there's the other definition where finding oneself means to figure out "who you are as a person",  personality.. ? realizing the issues that you have as a person and coming to terms with them or "fixing" them. I'm putting a lot of quotes on certain words because clearly, I have issues with the way ideas are being tossed around so easily. "Fix your problems", what the fuck does that even mean.. fix your problems. It's such a more complex process than that. Fix your problems, shut the fuck up. But I mean, it's an easier way of putting the real deal so I'm sure that's why people put it that way. I'm surprisingly well aware of the things I have problems with. Well aware that certain things bother me to a point where it shouldn't and other things don't bother me as much as it should. I'm also very well aware of some characteristics of mine that aren't so admirable. So have I found myself?
I really wouldn't say so because I don't think people just find themselves, quite frankly. I think people spend their whole lives "finding themselves". Realizing new things every once and while (epiphanies and such), realizing they want a change in career/direction. These things just come and go, or at least.. that's what I've noticed (hence, people never know what they want or.. people are never satisfied). I always thought there was a constant search, constant pursuit of "happiness". So what does it mean when people tell you to "find yourself"? I'm starting to think it just means to figure out what you want to do to be happy, better yet, succeed.
With that said, currently, I'm going through somewhat of a quarter life crisis? ....hehe.. yes, quarter life crisis, I really wouldn't say it's so much as a mid life crisis.. More of a change of direction in life that I want to go. For the past four to five years now, my "dream" was to become a fashion designer. I was really fucking naive. I mean, I always knew the fashion industry was going to be intense and terribly competitive but it was only when I got to Parsons and spent my first year there that I realized that New York or fashion was not for me. I was genuinely unhappy there. And yeah, there were many many factors leading up to my unhappiness there but, even when I was there, imagining myself slaving myself away, designing and designing so I can compete for the next few years, not only terrified me but made me unbearably happy and unexcited for the years to come there (Parsons). I'm not going to get into the issues I had living there or issues I had with a certain professor during my first semester. Or the fucked up ex boyfriend that crushed my itty bitty heart into teeny tiny pieces because he's a punkaass lying son of a bitch....I'm losing focus..
As I was saying, I realized and come to terms that what I had been chasing for the past few years, wasn't at all what I wanted to do because it wasn't anything like what I thought I was going after.. if that makes any sense. What I had dreamed the experience would be, wasn't anything like what it really was. If that was any better.. I was very sad throughout the school year that we hadn't painted much, or learned to draw, other than naked people.. I wanted to learn how to draw, not be pushed into drawing nude people all the fucking time and then being yelled at for not being any good. When I was at Parsons, you were expected to already know what you were doing or be a pro and pick shit up real fucking fast. Our drawing teacher was on her high horse, strutting into each class telling us about how she started her artistic career at age 46 and made it on her own, has her own businesses now, so on and so forth. She'd teach you how to draw the body in a matter of minutes, bring the nude guy in, and there was class. Sigh, now I'm venting. The point is.. I want to learn. I'm happy learning right now. I'm new with everything and I want to learn so I can begin to develop my own style and start making things that I'm satisfied with. That I'm proud of saying that "this" is my work. Sigh, and Parsons wasn't doing that for me. I'm currently in the process of transferring to MICA now. The Maryland Institute College of Art. I'm excited to say the least. I was definitely itching for a new start and to shed skin.
I've made a lot of mistakes this past year. Letting a terrible relationship affect my hard work in school and then some. But I've definitely learned. I think I'm finally starting to grow a little more callous to these kind of things. Sentimental, fragile, so called delicate things.
What else.. haha I also ended this past year with having my wallet and camera stolen at a very good friend of mine's house. Ended up spending new years with strangers but still managed to have a good time.
I think my new years resolution is to come to terms with "moderation". Growing up, I've always hated that word. Applied to everything. Which explains the little self control I have over myself when I black out. I've always thought, if I'm going to do something, I'm going to DO IT RIGHT. If I'm going to choose to drink, I'm going to DRINK. If I'm going to eat then I'm going to eat until I feel like I'm going to vomit. I'm going to lose weight, I'm not eating for a couple of days. Yes, I know. Insanely extreme. Or just flat out, insane. But, that's how I've been for a good majority of my life. And yes, it's gotten me into a lot of trouble. I think starting this year, I'm going to try to.. accept moderation a little by little into my life. I've already started applying it to my drinking[problem] and .. sigh, wow, I just sat here trying to think of things that I should moderate in doing and other than drinking, I can't even think of anything. I would say I should smoke less cigarettes.. But no. I'm going to save that resolution for further down the road. I'm way too happy smoking my lovely cigarettes.
The other resolution is to not rush into things. I've always hated rushing in general because I'm such a slug of a human being. If it were up to me, I wouldn't move out of my bed forever but when it comes to planning things, meeting up with people, and going out? I'm constantly rushing out of the door, constantly trying to get ready in time to be picked up, constantly just in a butt fuck mess to make plans "work" or "fit" into the night. I hate that. And I'm stopping that. Other than plans in advanced, I'm not hurrying my ass up for no one. Aside from making plans, another way I'm applying this resolution is to try TRY TRY TRY to be less impulsive and less impulsive shopping.. Before Christmas, I almost ended up starting my very own salt water aquarium because I thought nemo and this box fish thing was cute.. almost bought a dog, almost bought a kitten, almost bought a $200 dollar wallet because I thought I needed a new wallet...etc. I need to stop.
I'm starting to think this is just going to be another outlet for me to vent. Everyone says it's good to vent, I don't really think it's good or bad because.. being as black and white as I am, I don't really care for things that doesn't change anything. Venting changes nothing nor helps anything. haha, I mean, as cynical and depressing as it sounds, we all know the world doesn't stop for you nor does it care about how you feel. Man up and go.