the very first blog.?

I never know how to start these things.. nor do I feel like I have much to say right now either. But with the new year starting so differently, I feel blogging about my days could turn into something I start doing naturally.? maybe.

EDITED.
so.. I have just finished "editing" this blog.. not a huge fan of the background but.. I guess it will suffice.

Lately, people have been either telling me to "chill" and "relax" or "get your head on straight" or "find yourself". The "find yourself" has been told to me on numerous occasions, countless times throughout the past five, six years or so. I guess, I need to first grasp what it is or what it means to find ..oneself.. haha I always thought it meant, finding out what you truly love to do verses what you thought you wanted to do. The things you thought made you happy verses the things you learn to accept and settle with. Then there's the other definition where finding oneself means to figure out "who you are as a person",  personality.. ? realizing the issues that you have as a person and coming to terms with them or "fixing" them. I'm putting a lot of quotes on certain words because clearly, I have issues with the way ideas are being tossed around so easily. "Fix your problems", what the fuck does that even mean.. fix your problems. It's such a more complex process than that. Fix your problems, shut the fuck up. But I mean, it's an easier way of putting the real deal so I'm sure that's why people put it that way. I'm surprisingly well aware of the things I have problems with. Well aware that certain things bother me to a point where it shouldn't and other things don't bother me as much as it should. I'm also very well aware of some characteristics of mine that aren't so admirable. So have I found myself?
I really wouldn't say so because I don't think people just find themselves, quite frankly. I think people spend their whole lives "finding themselves". Realizing new things every once and while (epiphanies and such), realizing they want a change in career/direction. These things just come and go, or at least.. that's what I've noticed (hence, people never know what they want or.. people are never satisfied). I always thought there was a constant search, constant pursuit of "happiness". So what does it mean when people tell you to "find yourself"? I'm starting to think it just means to figure out what you want to do to be happy, better yet, succeed.
With that said, currently, I'm going through somewhat of a quarter life crisis? ....hehe.. yes, quarter life crisis, I really wouldn't say it's so much as a mid life crisis.. More of a change of direction in life that I want to go. For the past four to five years now, my "dream" was to become a fashion designer. I was really fucking naive. I mean, I always knew the fashion industry was going to be intense and terribly competitive but it was only when I got to Parsons and spent my first year there that I realized that New York or fashion was not for me. I was genuinely unhappy there. And yeah, there were many many factors leading up to my unhappiness there but, even when I was there, imagining myself slaving myself away, designing and designing so I can compete for the next few years, not only terrified me but made me unbearably happy and unexcited for the years to come there (Parsons). I'm not going to get into the issues I had living there or issues I had with a certain professor during my first semester. Or the fucked up ex boyfriend that crushed my itty bitty heart into teeny tiny pieces because he's a punkaass lying son of a bitch....I'm losing focus..
As I was saying, I realized and come to terms that what I had been chasing for the past few years, wasn't at all what I wanted to do because it wasn't anything like what I thought I was going after.. if that makes any sense. What I had dreamed the experience would be, wasn't anything like what it really was. If that was any better.. I was very sad throughout the school year that we hadn't painted much, or learned to draw, other than naked people.. I wanted to learn how to draw, not be pushed into drawing nude people all the fucking time and then being yelled at for not being any good. When I was at Parsons, you were expected to already know what you were doing or be a pro and pick shit up real fucking fast. Our drawing teacher was on her high horse, strutting into each class telling us about how she started her artistic career at age 46 and made it on her own, has her own businesses now, so on and so forth. She'd teach you how to draw the body in a matter of minutes, bring the nude guy in, and there was class. Sigh, now I'm venting. The point is.. I want to learn. I'm happy learning right now. I'm new with everything and I want to learn so I can begin to develop my own style and start making things that I'm satisfied with. That I'm proud of saying that "this" is my work. Sigh, and Parsons wasn't doing that for me. I'm currently in the process of transferring to MICA now. The Maryland Institute College of Art. I'm excited to say the least. I was definitely itching for a new start and to shed skin.
I've made a lot of mistakes this past year. Letting a terrible relationship affect my hard work in school and then some. But I've definitely learned. I think I'm finally starting to grow a little more callous to these kind of things. Sentimental, fragile, so called delicate things.
What else.. haha I also ended this past year with having my wallet and camera stolen at a very good friend of mine's house. Ended up spending new years with strangers but still managed to have a good time.
I think my new years resolution is to come to terms with "moderation". Growing up, I've always hated that word. Applied to everything. Which explains the little self control I have over myself when I black out. I've always thought, if I'm going to do something, I'm going to DO IT RIGHT. If I'm going to choose to drink, I'm going to DRINK. If I'm going to eat then I'm going to eat until I feel like I'm going to vomit. I'm going to lose weight, I'm not eating for a couple of days. Yes, I know. Insanely extreme. Or just flat out, insane. But, that's how I've been for a good majority of my life. And yes, it's gotten me into a lot of trouble. I think starting this year, I'm going to try to.. accept moderation a little by little into my life. I've already started applying it to my drinking[problem] and .. sigh, wow, I just sat here trying to think of things that I should moderate in doing and other than drinking, I can't even think of anything. I would say I should smoke less cigarettes.. But no. I'm going to save that resolution for further down the road. I'm way too happy smoking my lovely cigarettes.
The other resolution is to not rush into things. I've always hated rushing in general because I'm such a slug of a human being. If it were up to me, I wouldn't move out of my bed forever but when it comes to planning things, meeting up with people, and going out? I'm constantly rushing out of the door, constantly trying to get ready in time to be picked up, constantly just in a butt fuck mess to make plans "work" or "fit" into the night. I hate that. And I'm stopping that. Other than plans in advanced, I'm not hurrying my ass up for no one. Aside from making plans, another way I'm applying this resolution is to try TRY TRY TRY to be less impulsive and less impulsive shopping.. Before Christmas, I almost ended up starting my very own salt water aquarium because I thought nemo and this box fish thing was cute.. almost bought a dog, almost bought a kitten, almost bought a $200 dollar wallet because I thought I needed a new wallet...etc. I need to stop.
I'm starting to think this is just going to be another outlet for me to vent. Everyone says it's good to vent, I don't really think it's good or bad because.. being as black and white as I am, I don't really care for things that doesn't change anything. Venting changes nothing nor helps anything. haha, I mean, as cynical and depressing as it sounds, we all know the world doesn't stop for you nor does it care about how you feel. Man up and go.